Life's Final Curtain Call

There was a time when I thought a lot about deaths inevitability. Regardless of our station in life, while we all walk different paths they all converge on the one leading the final curtain call on lifes stage.

I had a friend, I'll call him Owen. Owen was obsessed with money, staying young, and women. "I never want to live to see age 40" I'd often hear him say with bravado "Nope, none of that old stuff for me."

I was quite a bit younger than Owen and although I couldn't quite grasp what he was saying I knew that it was screwed up somehow. The closer he got to age 40 the more bravado he exhibited at home, work, and socially. You know the kind of bravado, the kind a kid exhibits and you just know it's going to get him hurt?

At age 39 he started exercising like a fiend and went on this herbs, vitamins, tonics and potions craze all in a vain, doomed effort to somehow stave-off turning 40 years old. Young guys didn't even do that kind of stuff I thought to myself, so why does think it will work?

Well, when Owen turned 40 years old his whole life fell apart.

Through his own doings Owen lost his family, business, friends, and worse his own self-respect. He bought flashy clothes, slick cars, played basketball with the young bucks and went to nightclubs with them. He went through one girfriend after another, all 1/2 to 3/4 his age. His behaviour was beyond mid-life crisis. His self-destructive streak permiated every corner of his life. It's like he didn't care about life or dying after age 40.

Owen used to say "I'm only going to live once" and "I'm going to die anyway" and he'd use this to justify doing some really sketchy, shady, and questionable things. The sad part of this, other than having estranged himself from his now adult kids and grandkids who he doesn't know, is that he's still alive today but he is so lost he can't find himself. At age 60 he goes through what is left of his life now alone, unwanted, and unloved. He wishes he were dead but isn't; wishes he could live a better life but doesn't know what life is.

I learned something from watching Owen's life melt down. I learned a lot actually. I learned not to think or obsess about death, regardless of what age I'm at. Yes, it's going to happen eventually. I don't know the time, place, or how my end will come and I don't want to. I don't use this as some lame-oh excuse though to disregard other people’s feelings and do sketchy things as though I were above reproach.

Instead, I obsess and think about life. Who am I, how ought I to live, what will I do, what's important in my life, what angers me, what excites me and what will I do about them? I also obsess about learning, absorbing, and knowing. "Man is destined to learn and know" I always say to myself.

I may not be able to choose how I'll die, but I can choose how I'll live.

And there it is.

I don't know when exactly I'm going to die. What I do know is I have a lifetime in-between now and then. What I do with it...is all up to me.